I wrote a insta post recently –
Gray matter, does it matter? To whom? When I am gone, all the crazy wonderful thoughts, ideas, pains and pleasures will be snuffed out. I think I write because, well, shouldn’t all that somehow be downloaded? Like Harry Potter shouldn’t we be able to dip a wand into some goop and pull out memories, feelings, emotions? I think of my parents, what did they REALLY think? I wish I knew all of their good, bad and ugly. Instead its totally snuffed out. I have tidbits. I think I am a little obsessed?
This obsession is why I love to dig into the worlds of my family and friends. So much stuff, I want it all. Every last bit. I want to know them all the way down to the squiggles of their grey matter. And yet what does it matter? Who really wants to know the inner cogs of me, of them? And for what purpose? It all just takes up space. Just how much space we will never know. Yet isn’t it fascinating that we were born with these unlimited computers in our brains? Mine was born before computers existed. You?
To some degree, it’s kind of like all the pictures that sit on my phone, computer and photo albums. How egotistical to think someone would want to dredge through my computer, my grey matter, The ultimate narcissist, hey world here I am, here is all of me. Really, I carry no fame. One woman wanting to leave a mark. I guess that’s why dogs pee on trees, fire hydrants, wherever they can leave a mark to say, “I was here”. Do computer chips of their life exist inside their pee that other dogs can “read”?
I write, to spill my grey matter onto paper. This concept of my grey matter mattering is my story. Author Brene Brown would say, I have got to own it and when I do, I get to write the ending. Every time! The idea of owning it loosens my struggle, allows me to acknowledge more ease over the effort.
I often hear that we are not our thoughts. I get it, and I totally don’t. You? My brain frantically tells me stories; and often, advice not to be listened to, and yet, in the end isn’t it my advice I have to take? How do I know when my grey matter is moving me in the right direction? Experts say it has something to do with our instincts. Back when saber tooth tigers were chasing us down for dinner, evolution gave us fear, fight or flight. Currently there is not a tiger chasing me down. Yet there are so many “tigers”; traffic, fender bender, someone yells at me, my computer crashes, my list is too long, no toilet paper, finances. Have you met any of these tigers?
It’s so confusing. I own my grey matter, and yet, I am not my thoughts. Instinct vs me? Yet, Buddha said, “We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts, with our thoughts, we make the world”.
I spend a lot of time everyday quieting thoughts through yoga, meditation and breathing. I do this so I can really hear my voice. Perhaps my voice or its answers are those thoughts that lie below those other thoughts?
In my last decades, I want my in house computer to do something, not just be stuck in a spin cycle: Overwhelmed, overworked, caught in the mundane. Jeez, and, I must go back to “last decades” comment!!!!? Reality check, since we don’t know when the clock stops, unless we choose to stop it, everyday is our last one. Therein lies the key to moving grey matter and muscle forward.
It takes inhaling courage and exhaling fear, minute by minute.
TKS
Welcome to Wonder 