Thursday, September 12, 2019
I am loving my morning writing and editing time. I am so absorbed, all else fades away. No one can call me because it’s in the middle of the night for everyone back home. Just me, coffee and stillness, and depending when I start, a dim light comes through the windows. Then ever so slowly, as I write the world yawns, first with one crow, then about 30 minutes later a single song bird chimes in, and finally a lone seagull flies past and makes herself known. Notable.
Before I know it, it’s 7 am, and a single man in a white crisp shirt and black pants takes inventory on the 4th floor of the office building in my view. He strolls down the aisle between all of the desks and cubicles. Perhaps making mental notes, checking for clutter or signs of their activity. By 7:30 the first woman arrives, with a cloth in hand, on the first floor, wiping down any left over finger prints and crumbs from the day before.
I continue my writing, realizing a mass of energy is forming in the city, it’s just beyond my reach. And yet, is it? Perhaps this swarm of humanity, performing their ablutions, getting dressed, grabbing their keys and last minute sips of coffee, running back in for their metro card they left on the dresser, checking their e-mails and texts, and running off to catch the metro is wafting through my windows. Does it change my speed, my energy, my writing? Do I feel this? Is that when I decide to stop and hop in the shower? It’s a realm I hadn’t thought of until just now.
By one o’clock I decide it’s time. I gather my last sips of coffee, grab my keys and metro card and I’m ready to stroll. I head to the Marias to wonder, Freudian slip, I really went to wander and get this:
My biggest awareness of my time alone has been the calming of thoughts. I had been really curious before I left if being alone would cause an endless stream of self chatter, and it has not. I don’t really understand it, and I love it. I don’t know when in my life my mind has been so still, and focused. Is there a way to replicate this back home? Is it the place, me? I will continue to observe to see if I can ferret out a what or a why. And for now I am going to throughly immerse myself in it.
Funny that I just wrote that, considering what’s currently happening in this brain. I am temporarily back in my head. Self loathing? Hmmm, that seems too strong a word. I started looking around at the young, fit and taut and then at the old, the infirm. So many people with neurological issues, and everything in between. The self discussion ensued: “Why are her legs looking so good at her age?” And then, on the metro a young woman had a few very large bulging veins in her leg. “Why are her legs so bad at her age? What can I do to tighten mine? Gosh how do I look? Holy f— who cares? I do, and I shouldn’t. OMG and thank god, I’m not showing any signs of neurological afflictions. Facial ticks and unusual walking strides and so many others with crutches, muscle spasms too.” I then tumbled right into the dialogue of the inevitable demise of my own body, of others bodies, wondering what can I do to stop this merry go round.
All I could say was “OMG I’ve been walking 6-10 miles a day and my body feels heavier than ever”. My intention as I got off the subway today was to find ways to feel lighter, be lighter, in space and in my head. I can’t say I did that. I was hot and sweaty and felt every extra pound of fat. As I looked at really heavy people, I couldn’t even imagine, their place in space. I walked past the Madaleine church and I felt like there was no room between my belt and my heart, I hadn’t felt this way since I was 9 months pregnant. My pants felt weird, I was definitely not in sync with my body today, I felt like someone else just stepped into my clothes.
Let’s see where all this takes me today. The good news is I just allowed myself to walk around being heavy. The bad news is I went into a few stores and tried on clothes a terrible thing to do when one’s body is burdensome. It really felt like the gravitational pull was at max capacity today. Is that even possible? Are there times in a day when the gravitational pull is intensified? That’s truly how it felt. Was I really feeling myself being pulled closer and closer to the earth?
Somehow I’ve left my Paris trip and had gotten on some alien bus tour, “The Ego trip”. Today, gravity and ego decided to gang up on me, it’s really not fair. I admit it, I am vein. I have a vision of myself, I’m 30, I feel 20! Then I look in a mirror and reality clamors. Yet, what I see reflects so much life, experience, joy and heartache. How many people never got the opportunity to see themselves age because they went blind or they died?
I do know the other side of this coin so well, the gratitude side. Gratitude has this uncanny ability to take me/us back out of ego and into beauty, I am not my wrinkles, and even if I am, they are infused with my zest, my rapture for life and adventure.
I believe I have a choice in continuing this conversation or finding a way out! And yet, conceivably, this conversation of ego and gravity could be the next piece of my journey. Perhaps three weeks in, this IS the new phase to be dealt with. Hmm, that’s really interesting.
You know the craziest thing about this conversation? Yes, crazy, my dear. On August 27th I was filled with so much joy, so much self love that I took a selfie, solely to preserve the moment. I sent it off to a friend, with the caption, “capturing happy today”!
What neurons fired today that could totally annihilate a feeling from August 27 that was preserved in a selfie that emanated pure joy from every nook and cranny on that glowing face of mine!
I’m just going to have to keep ya all posted.
Good night Paris!
Welcome to Wonder 